Monday, July 27, 2015

Sophie Talks | Finally Clean

"And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean."
Clean by Taylor Swift

That song came out at pretty much the most perfect time it could have for me. It was released around two months after the end of my three year relationship, and it was a song that I immediately knew would be my goal for the coming months. 

It's funny looking back now, and seeing who I was almost eleven months ago. It's funny to see how dependent I was on that relationship, and how much I well and truly wanted to cling on to it. It sounds stupid saying it, but I was young. I didn't really know any different, because other than a two month gap in between that relationship and the one I was in before it, I hadn't been single since I was seventeen. I didn't know who I was, or how I was meant to act.

People have said to me over the past few months, that they're amazed by how strong I've been. It took a few months, but I knew that I had to focus on me, and that's how I did it. It was difficult at times, and trust me, I still have days when I miss being in a relationship, but I'm happy being just me at the moment. I've learnt more about who I am, I've done things I could only dream of this time last year, and I've just grown as a person.

That song is still something I cling onto. It's still a song that makes my heart ache every time I hear it, because I know how important it was to me back in October when I first heard it. It was back then that I needed it most, and it was back then that I realised it needed to be my goal. Ten months I gave myself. Ten months to feel completely fine when his name was mentioned, completely fine when he spoke to me, completely fine talking about what was there previously.

I look back now, and look at that girl that I was 12 months ago. Still, at that point, I believed that I was happy in a relationship and I believed that it was going to work, and last forever. I was naive. I wasn't happy, I was comfortable. It wasn't the most wonderful relationship in the world, it was hard. It was hard and it was comfortable but it wasn't special. It wasn't how it had been at the start.

Looking back now, I realise that we weren't going to end up with a happily ever after. We weren't right for each other, no matter how hard we tried to be. And I'm okay with that. I am happy. I am in a much better place than I was a year ago.

Sophie x

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